once upon a time

Without you

23:01



Tere bina beswaadi beswaadi ratiyan
Oh sajna,
Rookhi re wo Rookhi re...

It's raining outside, shadows of the droplets hitting the side of the windows and i'm still here siting alone summoned all the courage to remember you. I remember your smile, I remember the way you talk and I laughed. I remember when you hugged me while we slept, I remember your early morning milk tea, I remember when we sit on the floor in the night with cigarettes and scotch in our hand then we talk about our life, I remember the way you laughed when i was drunk and start blabber about the empty road, I remember the way you said "iiiiiihh this lady." 

I remember...

I remember when you said Aishwaraya Rai is your favorite Bollywood actress and the fact that you wrote her a love letter with your blood when you're young and we laughed. I remember the way you asked me "do you wanna eat something?" and I answered "No." then you will raise your eyebrows "You have to eat something no?", I remember your sad eyes, I remember your beard, I remember your parfume, I remember the way you walk.

Tere bina,
Tere bina chaand ka sona khota ree
Tere bina sona peetal
Sajna,
Oh sajna...

I remember you like yesterday and I remember the way the sun rays hit on you that day whe you said good bye. I long to have your presence next to me, to see the rise and fall of your chest reminding me that is where my home is. And remember me, when crystal droplets of rain fall on the ground in Mumbai as a woman who always remember you in silence. And I will wait for you near a temple, I will wait for you on a crowded street, I will wait for you even though I know you will never come.





once upon a time

Once upon a time (Part 3)

01:31




somewhere in Bandung, early morning before the flight to Singapore. 

"Don't leave."

"I have to go now, I'm sorry. I have to catch my flight"

"Don' leave, I'm scared."

"Listen, everythings gonna be ok, i'll be back on 10th."

She hugged him so tight, he laughed and kissed her forehead. She try to hide her tears.

"I've been waiting 4 months to hug you again"

"Really?"

"Yes.."

"Ok, I have to go now. See you on 10th, let me know everything about your surgery, give me the details ok."

"Bye..have a good flight."

That day, once again she didn't tell him how much she love him. She kept it because she's afraid she will lose him because of her feelings

once upon a time

21:30



it's raining outside when I heard this song. Suddenly I cry. I was about to write something, but these thoughts should be written in a journal, not made public to make me seem desperate for attention when really i just want to get these feelings out about him.

When I look at you
tears keep falling
i dont know why
Did you go round and round to come to me?
I can't avoid this love

I love you
Love you
Love you
I call it fate

And I miss you
miss you
You are my destiny

Why are you looking at me with sad eyes?
Please don’t cry
Didn’t you recognize me right away?
why did you come to me now?

even if i'm born again
wherever you are hiding
i will find you
Let's never be apart
dont leave me

once upon a time

Break My Heart Again

07:18




This song made me cry because its so deep and beautiful. it really touched my heart, and soul. I can relate to this song completely about loving someone who's already broken your heart once and then doing it again.

(Finneas - Break My Heart Again)

Hey, you
I'm just now leaving
Can I come around later on this evening?
Or do you need time?
Yes, of course, that's fine


Hey, you
Goodmorning
I'm sure you're busy now, why else would you ignore me?
Or do you need space?
You can't help it if your mind has changed


So go ahead and break my heart again
Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in
Are you the definition of insanity?
Or am I?
Oh, it must be nice
To love someone who lets you break them twice


You're so blue
Are you still breathing?
Won't you tell me if you found that deeper meaning
Do you think I've gone blind?
I know it's not the truth when you say, "I'm fine"


Don't pretend that I'm the instigator
You were the one, but you were born to say goodbye
Kissed me, half a decade later
That same perfume, those same sad eyes


once upon a time

coffee talk

02:17

She sat in her usual place, at her usual time, staring at the cup of coffee in front of her. Lost in her own thoughts. He sat in front of her, take a sip of his coffee. It was one of gloomy days at the coffee shop. The brick walls, rustic wooden tables, slightly distorted chairs, Nat king cole's tunes playing faintly, and a strong aroma of black coffee.

"It's raining outside" 

"ya, I love rain."

"how is your trip to Mumbai?"

"good."

"Did you met him?"

"who?"

"your source of inspiration."

"No, i did not meet anyone there. Just a short vacation."
"you fall in love with him, don't you?"

"yes."

"could you do me a favor?"

"what?"

"please try to forget him."

"what?why?"

"He makes you cry."

She looked at him, fighting back tears and sighed. 

"I can't."

"You can, i will help you."

"how?"

"Let's get back together. Things have changed between us. When I could not find you beside me every morning, I thought you left me for good. I was scared that I would never see you again. I miss all that we were, and all that we could be. I want to go back to what we were." he blurted out indistinct word.

She absorbed the silence around them. He looked at the raindrops dripping on the window sill. He listened to the music that was softly playing. She closed her eyes, and smiled her glorious dimpled smile.

once upon a time

A Letter for A

02:09





Hello A, how are you today? I hope you are good. Do you know what happened to me lately? full of tears because you keep haunting me everywhere. I see your face in the crowd, in every guy who ever smiles at me, it's you. Do you know that I still love you? not a single shooting star exists that was not wasted upon you. Do you understand that I love you?

I love you

I love you

I love you

My heart beats with this rhyme. The pictures that you sent still live in my phone and the wind keeps whispering your name and i have stopped looking at the night sky, why? Because two bright stars reminded me of your eyes once. I see you in everything- the first drop of rain, a child's laughter, a tree's shelter on a summer day. You are everywhere From daylight to dusk, come rain or shine and it's torturing me.

Do you know that I always wait for you? For the constant messages of “how are you”, “I miss you”, and “Morniiing Baby” because I tend to worry about you a lot

Dear A…I’m sorry for loving you. My ink-stained hands keep talking about you as I write. you have become the riddle to my every day, the poem that’s been inside my head for quite a long time.

I’m sorry for wanting to be with you right now, at this very moment. I’m craving for your presence. I’m sorry I can’t let you go, Because you’re someone who’s important. To me, you’re more than just a friend, No, you’re someone of the highest significance. Because you’re always in my heart. Despite its being torn up like an old rag doll, It still beats for you and your name, that’s been tattooed there from the start.

But,

Things between us have been different lately, You don’t even message me to say “hi.” Thus I need to say goodbye, Even though it hurts, Even though I don’t want to, Even though I still need you in my life.

When i'm dying and closed to death, all that i can think is you. Every waking moment i cry And i've gotten used to it Sometimes, it doesnt hurt so much anymore. I've become numb to it, I've become sore and in some sick twisted way You're my only cure.

I know I need to say goodbye, Because what’s the sense of trying to light up a fire, Inside the heart of someone who’s as cold as ice. what’s the point of knocking at someone’s door, When they didn’t tell you that they’ve already left and moved to a new home?

I need to say goodbye, To this polaroid of you and me, of us, Immortalized on film, from that night where I cried on your shoulders as you told me everything’s going to be okay. But what you didn’t tell me was that you wouldn’t be there for me every day, and I’m sorry, I’m sorry for hoping on you too much when you didn’t really mean to stay.


And I don’t know what’s worse,

The fact that I still keep thinking about you in moments that I shouldn’t, moments that I should be paying attention to the world around me and not just on you;

Or the fact that I never even cross your mind, not even for just a single, solitary moment,

The fact that you don’t even think about me at all.

So here I am, this letter in my trembling hands, With these words that hurt a lot to write, And definitely hurt a lot more to say. I’m here, and this is possibly the last time I’ll ever write about you.

I thought you would be the one I’d go places with,

The one whose arms would be wrapped around me

The one whose voice would be my lullaby, to sing me to sleep,

The one who I would capture in my embrace when I wake up from a nightmare at 3:00 in the morning, to feel solace and safety,

The one who I would kiss in the middle of the rain, as we stop running, from our fears, from our doubts, from the ghosts of our pasts, from the judging stares of society, from everything else that’s been holding us back.

I’m sorry for loving you. I knew it was toxic, I knew it wasn't right. But no matter how bad things got, I couldn't help but try and try to love you again. Constantly battling over whether this is love or lust? It's like you controlling me, You've infected my brain. Tell me how can i escape from you when you've become a part of my DNA? Even when you're gone, I'm still here waiting for you to come.

I thought you were the one I would call home,

The one who would welcome me with open arms.

But no, you’re not the one,

You’re not the one for me, as I am not the one for you.

Love isnt like what you see on TV. This is what it's like: full of pain. It's not as magical as they potray it in Bollywood movie, It's lot of pain and sacrifice but You just keep pushing until you bleed

For a long time, I let you define me, And maybe that’s the reason why I felt so lost when you left. But now, I’m no longer lost, No longer broken as I was when you departed.

You gave me strength when you were with me,

And you gave me strength when you left.





Mood

19:28


Psithurism
 (n.) The sound of the leaves rustling as the wind blows
through the trees.



All is silent 
gazing the sky between the silk leaves
the wind whisper your name




Selatan Jakarta,
12.12.16

kata

Kenang

08:00


Tidak ada yang lebih pedih dari mengenang

Rintik hujan dan ruap bau tanah. 

Jendela yang terbuka lebar.

Pecahnya air mata

Peluk dan dekap

tanpa lambaian

Tanpa salam

Dia pergi,

Ataukah kau yang memutuskan pergi?




2016





Personal

Just be yourself

07:24




This shoes belong to one of my best friend, yang siang ini saya temui di salah satu kedai kopi di bilangan MT Haryono, Jakarta Selatan. Gloomy, itu satu kata yang pas untuk menggambarkan dia hari ini, sesuai dengan hujan yang sedang turun diluar. Dengan rokok yang menempel di jemarinya dan asap tembakau yang menguar di udara, percakapan pun dimulai.
“cinta gue tuh kaya foam nya starbucks awalnya doang ada di atas, semakin gue jalanin lama-lama abis.”

dia sedang dalam pencarian untuk menemukan; Jati diri dan cinta. Perjalanannya tidak mudah, dan sekarang dia lagi kehilangan semuanya secara bersamaan. Pernah merasakan tidak bebas menjadi diri sendiri demi disukai orang lain? demi bertahan dalam sebuah hubungan lalu merubah kepribadian kita menjadi orang lain yang bukan diri kita sendiri? sekarang dia dalam posisi itu. She’d lost her own identity. She tired of being someone else and didn’t know how to deal with it. 
intinya dia terpaksa mencintai untuk dicintai, sehingga memaksakan diri menjadi orang lain dengan tujuan agar disukai sama pasangannya. Semua serba maksa sih ujung-ujungnya. Dia yang saya kenal itu selalu suka pakai sneakers dengan celana jeans dan kemeja kebesarannya, rambut dikucir, gaya bicara dan ketawa yang nyablak dan apa adanya, kulit wajah hampir tidak tersentuh makeup.  Lalu ketika dia bersama pasangannya, semuanya digantikan dengan high heels, rok mini, rambut digerai, wajah full make up, senyum tipis mengembang. Bukan dia banget deh pokoknya, tapi semua dia lakukan biar pasangannya betah sama dia karena perempuan “seperti itu” lah yang jadi tipe kesukaan pasangannya.
“that’s all fake! I couldn’t be my self, Mi!”
menjalani hubungan yang tidak sehat dengan ngorbanin diri sendiri supaya jadi sosok yang disukai orang lain sampe kita sendiri kehilangan jati diri menurut saya kurang bijak. Gini deh, hidup itu kan cuma sebentar jadi buatlah diri sendiri senang terlebih dahulu, ga perlu bertahan dalam suatu hubungan yang bikin kita jadi mengorbankan banyak hal. Once you make yourself happy then hubungan yang baik pun pasti datang kok ke kita. Please eliminate drama in our life.
“gue cuma pengen bahagia Mi…”
Sure, just close relationships require sacrifice because you can’t please everyone. Go out, buy the good records and eat cheese pizza, go please yourself first because you deserve the best in your life.
Regards,
Naaj

Personal

Berikanlah Maaf

07:12


“Siapapun yang sudah berbuat dzalim dan menyakiti hati kamu, siapapun yang sudah membuat kamu menderita dan menangis, siapapun itu..Maafkanlah, karena kamu boleh berbangga bahwa dirimu sangat berharga di mata mereka maka dari  itu mereka berupaya menjatuhkanmu tetapi Tuhan mengangkat derajatmu dengan memberikanmu perasaan yang lapang untuk memaafkan dan meringankan hidupmu kelak.”
Alm. Papa

Buku

05:43



My mother was the first person who introduced me as she encouraged me to start reading books by bringing me to a bookstore every week.  The first book I remember reading on my own was a book “legenda rakyat Kalimantan Selatan”.  it’s crystal clear that books have helped me to learn and grow as a person. Reading a book is like watching a film, I can hear the birds chirping and see the leaves as they drift lazily through the breeze. I can be a wizard, a mermaid, a princess, a knight, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a superhero and anything. I can feel the emotion within; sadness, joy, anger, laugh, tears.
Books are completely my favorite thing. They never leave me and never move away. Reading is a magical thing and i find it quite enjoyable as well as relaxing. You just sit down with a good book and let them brought you to an entirely different world in hours, You step into someone else’s shoes and go on many adventures, make new friends in the characters, and face villains. You live many lives when reading.
Regards,
Naaj

kata

Surat Cinta

23:19

Surat cintaku tidak ditulis diatas kertas berwarna pink,

Pun tidak beraroma bunga

Tidak ada gambar hati dengan rona merah darah 

atau kecup bibir di penghabisannya


Surat cintaku sederhana

pada sehelai kertas putih bergaris

dengan cinta yang menggema lewat huruf terjajar rapih

yang berteriak senyap di setiap sudut semesta kecil;

"Aku mencintaimu tanpa jeda."

Personal

Learn from the giving tree by Shel Silverstein

21:48



Pernah ga sih kita sebagai anak ada di posisi seperti ini: We take our parents for granted, and take whatever we need, come to them when we need them, and when we’re done, we leave them over and over again. But as parents, they are always there, giving us unconditional love until the day they die. 

It is a sad condition, but however it shows us that the heart of a parent is a rare jewel that never to be forgotten. Jadi waktu saya kecil saya pernah dibelikan alm. Ayah saya bukunya Shel Silverstein yang judulnya 'The Giving Tree' ketika membaca jujur saja saya sedih banget sama ceritanya, nah kemudian saya menemukan video The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein di youtube dan masih dong saya sedih banget liatnya. 

Walaupun The Giving Tree ini bercerita tentang pohon  but for me, this story is about the way kids treat their parents. cerita ini ibarat kasih sayang orang tua yang terus menerus dan tidak pernah putus untuk anaknya, tapi sebagai anak kadang kita 'lupa' akan keberadaan dan kasih sayang orang tua kita sendiri bahkan tidak jarang memanfaatkannya. Dari sini kita bisa belajar untuk mulai menghargai orang tua kita, jangan sampai ketika mereka sudah ga ada kita hanya bisa menyesal.

Salam,

Naaj